The Historian's Archives

While doing some research one day for a research paper, which I plan to post on this blog in the near future, I found this great website: www.greatseal.com. It is a terrific place to learn about the history and design of the Great Seal and those who designed it. Why was this website built? Partially to combat the various theories behind the Great Seal, particularly the reverse side (the side that displays a decapitated pyramid and the all-seeing eye). Some say that the Great Seal's designs have origins with the Illuminati and the occult; others say, pointing to the all-seeing eye, that it actually represents the favor which God gave us during our American Revolution. Which side is correct? I'll answer when I post my paper. ;)

Anyway, while I was looking around this website, I couldn't help but find these two pages, containing exerpts of history reports "reportedly collected by U. S. schoolteachers from genuine student essays." Some of them are gut-bustin' funny.

Here are some of the excerpts from the bloopers on American history:

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks on their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere were throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horses divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handle. Handle was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. France was in a very serious state.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the "Organ of the Species." Madam Curie discovered Radium, and Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

And here are some excerpts from the bloopers on world history:

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irrigation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hotel." the next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

ROFL!!!

There is probably a somber side to this story: too little education, too much TV. But that's what public schools are all about -- helping children to know more about what interests them, and not necessarily to learn anything. And why do they do this? Because uneducated masses are very politically useful.

But instead of dwelling on that bothersome topic all day long, we loosen up by reading and laughing over these.

Whether or not the reports are genuine, they still are darn funny.